The rash of zombie movies in recent years should cause all of us to do some serious thinking about our life-challenged brethren.

I think we need to be more tolerant of other people’s life status. Zombies can’t help that they are zombies, we shouldn’t discriminate against them. In fact, “zombie” is an offensive term. Post-Mortem Americans is the preferred term. Shaun of the Dead should teach everyone that if properly restrained, PMAs can still make great friends and video game players. PostMorts are just misunderstood.

PMA babies should be weaned off human brains and given a diet of cow brains and re-entered into society. Pre-Mortem Individuals need to understand the many contributions PostMorts make to society.

Either that or we capture large amounts of Post-Mortem Americans and drop them in Afghanistan to seek out Bin Laden.

To turn a joke post into something (sorta) serious… I wonder how a modern society would react to real zombies if they existed. A lot of the monsters and “demi-humans” of fantasy and history seem to have a real world basis. Dwarves, elves, goblins, and the like could easily have been based on midgets. Less civilized times would have feared or hated such strange diversions from normal humans. Now of course, midgets live mostly normal lives and star in several reality tv shows. I’m sure reports of giants can be explained by unusually large races of humans, which of course we have many of in modern society. Many other deformities which in the past were taken to be curses or signs of the devil or that they were monsters are seen as medical problems to be treated.

So as categories of “normal” and “abnormal” are broken down, if zombies really did exist, what would we do? I would imagine that going around shooting zombie’s heads off with a shotgun would no longer be socially acceptable after a generation or two. Assuming they weren’t attacking you of course.

Some common zombie traits are:
- Reanimated dead
- Eats brains
- Not too bright, moves slowly (though some new zombie movies have fast moving ones)
- Stronger than usual, greater endurance
- Kills people
- Can transfer zombie status by biting or killing living humans/animals

The first thing to control of course is their tendency to shuffle through town killing people and eating their brains. I’d assume that modern medical science could come up with a way of pacifying these homicidal urges. Maybe some Valium or large amounts of weed would mellow them out.

Beyond that however, there isn’t anything that by itself would warrant a death penalty. Being the reanimated dead is certainly strange & bizarre, but.. not necessarily illegal. Right? It will make for some awkward family holidays when great grandpa shows up suddenly and wants some turkey (…brains). Their appetite for brains can be sated with animal brains. I’m sure if there were willing buyers the market would provide many different choices for the brain connaisseur.

I’m sure also, coming out to your loved ones as a recently deceased person will be shocking and many zombies will find themselves rejected by their families. They will form zombie communities where they are accepted by their own kind and don’t have to hide as they go grab a bite at the local brain bistro. Places like Miami Beach will become epicenters for the thriving zombie culture. Dead Pride parades will become a common occurrence.

Zombies will find gainful employment in tasks that require little thought, quick movement or originality. Obviously zombie call centers will pop-up all over the country servicing all our customer service needs. While it may take a while to be recognized, zombies will eventually gain the right to vote after the landmark case of Nuuhh Uuug v. Minnesota proves once and for all that “life status” is a suspect class of discrimination and states are unable to discriminate against the undead. Living dead voters will still, of course, have to prove they are over 18. (we have to have some standards, right?).

The undead will replace soccer moms and NASCAR dads as the key swing voter demographic. Politicians will pander for the zombie vote with promises to slash health care funding, increase public transit (as zombies won’t drive well) and censor hatespeech like Dawn of the Dead and 28 Days Later.

Zombie pets will become all the rage. Indeed owners of hyperactive dogs & cats just need to call up their local zombification services office to get their beloved pet zombified. Not only do they be less rambunctious, but little Susie never has to go through the anguish of losing her dearest Fluffy. She’ll be around forever.

The world’s religions will be in turmoil. With the dead walking the earth, it will appear obvious to many that the last days are at hand. Others will use the zombie example to say that earth truly is heaven, and it is necessary for us to improve the “afterlife” for all of us. Others will just seek to make a quick buck selling t-shirts saying “Jesus was the First Zombie”

The point though, is that after thousands of years on this planet we’ve never really come up with a good, universal definition of what it means to be human. When does life begin? ….and end? How would artificial intelligence fit in? If we don’t know what it means to be human, how can we decide who is and isn’t to be treated as an equal? Previously unthinkable groups have been embraced and accepted by society, so who is next? Zombies? Robots? Mutants? Animals? Clones? Teenagers?

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 9th, 2008 at 6:23 pm and is filed under Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.