Admitting to weakness is hard for me to do (it is hard to even admit that admitting to weakness is hard), but this is too glaring for me to ignore. I have serious issues with shopping and just going out and finding goods and services in general. The whole thing is intimidating. Today I just attempted to go get a haircut, and after some time searching I’ve given up in defeat.

My hair is getting kinda shaggy, and I somehow got in my head the idea that for once I wanted a “cool” haircut instead of just shaving my head myself as I’ve done for the last several years. I just don’t feel like I fit in at all with pretty much everyone in DC, and of course it’ll take a lot more than a haircut to fix that, but I figured I’ve got enough extra cash now to blow it on an overpriced haircut (they are all overpriced btw), so why not give it a shot?

I haven’t gotten regular haircuts since like middle school. Since then I’ve either had long hair that didn’t need to be cut often, or I just shaved my head myself. So the whole haircut experience is unfamiliar to me now, and I don’t even know any places around here to get it cut. So, as I often do when I’m looking for something, I started driving north on the Pike. Everything is on the Pike, but the signs are really bad so it is hard to see what is there unless you know what you are looking for.

I saw a sign that said “barber” so I went inside. It was very much an old time, classic barber shop. And predictably it was filled with old men - both as customers and barbers. Probably not the best place to go to ask for a hip, new haircut. I sat there for a bit debating whether I should stay or go, and then finally got the nerve to walk out. Paying $13 for a bad haircut seemed like a foolish idea. If I wanted a bad haircut I could just shave my head for free (like I usually do).

I continued my search. I wanted some trendy unisex chain store that might be able to give me some trendy haircut. I continued to drive and I didn’t see any. I saw plenty that seemed like “beauty parlors” or seemed very ethnic places that might not be my thing…

I ended up in Gaithersburg and went to the Lake Forest mall. The trendy chain places I remember from back in Michigan were in the mall, so this should work, right? Just being near the mall stressed me out. Getting inside I became very distressed but I continued to walk around. The first place I walked past had like 20 people in it, and only one was a man. And he was 5. I kept walking. Another place, same situation.

Then my anti-shopping phobia took over. Not to say that all shopping freaks me out. The only type of shopping I like is when I know exactly what I want before I enter the building. I go straight to that aisle, bring it to the cash register, pay for it and leave. No trouble, no questions, no uncertainty. Just pay and leave.

The thing that really distresses me about shopping (and other related activities like getting a haircut) is not knowing what I want and the feeling of being scrutinized for it. This problem gets even worse when it has something to do with my appearance. Both since I am even more clueless when it comes to fashion, but also since it has so much to do with who you are and what image you project to the world.

Everything about it is outside of my realm of experience. Are those pants too expensive? Everything seems too expensive to me, I’ve got nothing to compare it to. Is this shirt too small? Or is that just the style? Does it match anything? Does it make me look gay? Like a nerd? Like a hippie, or “emo”, or like a gangsta? Should I be trying to adopt one of those looks? Would they look good on me, or just make me look silly? Or boring? Is it appropriate to wear to work? On a date? I don’t know! I have no clue!

Then the panic sets in. Especially since I don’t have much money, I don’t want to waste money on some expensive (again, it is all expensive) clothes that I wouldn’t wear (or shouldn’t wear), all that uncertainty stresses me out. To make matters worse there are always vultures hovering around (i.e. sales people). I get the feeling they are watching me and quickly recognize that I am clueless, or in the wrong store, or am picking out the wrong things. Someone will inevitably come by and ask if I need help. I really, really do need help, but I’m so clueless that if I asked some stranger for help it would just make me look ridiculously stupid. They expect to help me find the fitting room, not bring me up to speed on the last 15 years of fashion that I am totally oblivious to.

Even with products I am more comfortable with - like electronics or comic books, I am distressed about shopping if I don’t know exactly what I’m looking for. I hate salespeople - every type of them. I just want to be left alone when I shop, even if I don’t know what I’m looking for. I feel judged and scrutinized by them.

I know this is totally irrational and this whole entry may sound like I’m off my rocker, and that just makes the whole experience worse - because I know that I am being crazy. I get freaked out and intimidated by a common experience everyone does, and I feel even dumber because of being intimidated.

So when I was looking for a haircut place today at the mall, I was first of all freaked out about which place I went to. Was I going to walk into some women’s beauty parlor without knowing it and be embarrassed? Was I going to go to some barbershop staffed by 60 year old men (again)? When I get in there, what do I say? I don’t even know what kind of haircut I want, just something stylish. But I don’t know what stylish is! I remember as a kid they had books of different sample haircuts. I figured I’d just pick one of those, but what if that didn’t work with my type of hair? What if it was an old book, and I pick a now out of style haircut? What if it requires a lot of gel and primping to get it to look like that on a daily basis (which I certainly wouldn’t do)? What if the stylist person thinks I’m silly for picking the haircut I did? What if she fails to make my hair look like that, and it just looks silly instead?

Grrr, what an obnoxious pain in the ass. I clearly have a lot of hangups. I just went home in defeat. I’ll shave my head myself like usual.

This entry was posted on Saturday, February 24th, 2007 at 1:54 pm and is filed under Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.