The Best Way to Teach Religion: Don’t.
While it may floor them to hear me say this, I really think my parents got it right with how they approached religion with me.
Reading through the Christian Forums got me thinking, despite the fact that I’m more religious than 90% of the people on the East Coast (rough estimate) I still don’t talk or act like a lot of the stereotypical Christians you see who can quote scripture or who say stuff like “I’ll pray for you”. I think I may have tried to say stuff like that once or twice, but it just sounds funny. I have tremendous respect for those who do, but its just not my bag.
I was actually raised in a fairly secular home. Religion was always there, but it was never made a big deal out of. I never felt that my parent’s faith was forced on me. We went to church, and I went to Sunday school and took the Sacraments, but it always had more of a cultural feel instead of a theological feel to me.
It was more about who we were than what we believed, so it was a bit less threatening in that sense. Its much easier to accept a religion as heritage than as doctrine. I see this often with my Jewish friends both on and offline who identify more with their cultural Jewishness than religious belief.
I certainly don’t believe that all religion should have the stickier points of doctrine and faith stripped from them and made into just another element of culture, hell no. But it makes for a more palatable starting point from which to discover the theology. I think this is what I was provided, and for that I am grateful to my parents.
What an individual believes is true should always come from ones own questioning and search for answers to the big questions for life. Foisting one’s answers onto another is in many cases counter-productive. If my parents had said to me at a young age: “This is what the Catholic Church believes, and if you don’t agree you’re going to burn in hell, or worse yet we’ll ground you.” I think it would totally have elicited a backlash and I would do what many people I’ve seen do and turn away from religion altogether.
I appreciate the fact that I was largely left free to study and pursue these issues on my own. It makes the whole endeavor more meaningful and satisfying. Yet at the same time I know that I don’t know many of the finer points that other Christians seem comfortable with. Heck, I haven’t even read through my Bible yet (its a damn long book, who knew?), but one day I’ll finish it. Then go back to read the juicy parts. But the important part is the intent is there, and while I am slow to learn it all, I am willing. For too many that will is gone, perhaps never to return. Overzealous parenting may be the fault.
It is interesting to see the same progression in my best friend from back home, Casey. He was apparently raised in an even more secular household than I was; for it was the running joke for a while I kept forgetting he was actually Catholic. Considering he didn’t attend church pretty much from 10 till 22 it was easy to forget. But in the last few years he has really picked it up. Heck having read the Catechism he teaches me new things about our faith now. Once again his parents didn’t force it on him; he sought it out on his own.
Of course there are varying degrees of secularism. My parents, my dad especially, most definitely did believe. For many years they both sang in the choir, and every day my dad takes time to read scripture, pray and meditate. At times it was kinda a running joke, just a delay before we ate dinner, but I always had profound respect for his commitment, and I absolutely still do.
This kind of daily devotion I suspect is rare. I’ve never seen it in any of my friend’s parents, or honestly anyone else I know. You’d think my dad was some fundamentalist, but he’s not at all. He is just a man who cares a lot about his faith. Considering his deep faith he deserves even more respect for never trying to force it on me. I imagine it would have broken his heart if I turned out to be a committed atheist, but you wouldn’t have guessed it. It really must have required strength to resist the urges to proselytize and push his very strong beliefs on me. I thank him for respecting me enough to allow me the freedom to find my own way. I wish more parents would.
Not only is it a more respectful, youth rightsy way to approach the issue, it may earn you your desired outcome anyways. Considering how many atheists I know who were raised by strict religious parents, my parents tactic may indeed be the best way to raise a “true believer”. As I mentioned, secular ol’ me is more religious than 90% of the Godless East Coast™ (give or take a few million).
Of course it probably depends on how you play it. My dad never pushed it on me, but I respected his commitment to meditate daily. I had pride in the fact my parents sung in the choir. I had good examples to look to and learn from. This is the most profound lesson of this all, and one I try to teach others whenever the topic of parenting comes up. If you want your son or daughter to be a good Christian, then be a good Christian. Indeed larger than that, if you want your son or daughter to be a good person, then be a good person.
Condescending lectures given by hypocrites who say “do what I say, not what I do” are the worst form of parenting imaginable. Its a sham, a fraud, a betrayal, and it just doesn’t work. Make yourself a good example, or hell make yourself a flawed example, but for heaven’s sakes be honest about it. Actions speak louder than words.
So while I don’t agree with everything my parents did over the years, and I spend enough of my time speaking from those experiences, it would be dishonest not to stand up and thank them when they got something right. This is one area they hit the nail on the head. Thank you both. I love you.
January 20th, 2006 at 8:19 am
1. I think you are right but (I’m not sure it’s a but because you allude to it in your post) in order for a child to be religious in their adulthood (and teenagehood) they need to (with rare exception) to be provided the example and the tools by their parents. For example, because your parents went to Church with you (and it’s important that you saw them doing it for themselves and not as something to force you) in addition to sending you to Sunday school and your father’s example of his personal ritual observance, you are religious. (I also think there is a difference between secular East coast and the midwest, also, which, in part, relates to the disproportionate concentration of Jews and Liberal Protestants who are in specific fields overwhelmingly and are more secular than the rest of the US).
In the case of the Jews (as this is, of course, the area I know best), I would argue that the overwhelming educational ignorance (that is to say, not being observant religiously is not a choice being made — most non-Orthodox US Jews simply don’t have the tools or the knowledge necessary to make an informed decision whether or not they want to / are able to / are willing to engage in ‘ritual observance.’) Though also, in the case of the Jews, while it is often not framed that way in the US discourse, being Jewish is not simply following a religion but rather being part of a nation (the people of Israel) with a language (Hebrew), a land (Israel), and a religion (Judaism). Hence the Judaism is only a third of the story which is not the case for Christians or Muslims (while many Muslims originate in the Middle East, many others have roots in parts of Asia and Africa, and Islam and Christianity as missionizing religions, unlike Judaism, has an impact on that)
January 20th, 2006 at 1:20 pm
Does my post ring true for you and your personal experiences as well? You are more religious with your parents (right?) how did their approach contribute or detract from that?
January 20th, 2006 at 9:03 pm
*insert about a zillion thumbs-ups here*
You rock!
January 21st, 2006 at 11:22 am
Alex, in response to your question, I think the gist of your post is true for my personal experience as well. My parents taught me the importance of Judaism and the Jewish community and all that without completely shoving it down my throat but their initial example, for example, by sending me to full-day religious school until 1st grade (albeit very young) and the knowledge of the Jewish community was very important in my being more observant and more connected. For me, and I think it works more in Judaism in which the communal connection is a religious connection (for example, Ruth - in the Bible - is the Jewish paridigm for conversion and she doesn’t say “Your God will be my God,” but rather “Your people will be my people.”), and thus, thanks to the positive “the community is important” message from my parents I searched out ways of entry into the Jewish community (of which, I would argue, Hillel at college was the most important) which provided me with a greater religious education and I learned a lot more in 3 years of college than I did at afternoon religious school. In fact, I argue that my becoming observant was a rebellion from the BS watered down (”being Jewish = being a good person along with praying in Hebrew” message (which I find to be, in some ways, prejudiced (although this is not the intent but rather simply the providing of watered down universalistic content) in that non-Jews, of course, can and do engage in community service and are ‘good people’ too).
January 29th, 2006 at 1:22 pm
Well said, and 100% agreed! My parents did read to me from the bible (the kids version), but we never really went to “normal church”, nor did they really try to force it on me. I found it myself later on, from a perspective that made a lot more sense to me than things like “love God with all your heart or else” ever could. Quite frankly I doubt they even know what on earth I believe ;P But at any rate, at least they didn’t drive me away from Christianity.
More people need to read this.