CONCLUSION

This case was getting annoying. After going in circles with questioning and the alleged yet unfounded reports of the involvement of a giant dancing banana, authorities were getting nowhere.

Further autopsy investigations revealed that Alex’s neck had been jerked back at some point, and there was no damage to the back of his head. Odd.

And the seven suspects certainly knew more than they were stating. I mean, they just kept sitting back in the other room laughing at us. Something was up. So we presented this new bit of information to them, hoping we could solve this once and for all.

We investigated the scene of the crime a bit more. Where in the world had that big rock come from? Down the street, we spotted an overturned trash can with a wooden plank set over it.

And then we understood. And the seven suspects congratulated us on finally figuring it out. Here’s what happened.

At 7:10pm, the seven wandered away after leaving Alex to cool off. Wandering down the street a bit, Adam knocked over a trash can by mistake.

“Hey, I have a fun idea!” Chris suggested. “Let’s catapult shit around.”

“Yeah!” agreed Jess. “There’s a plank over here we can use.”

So that’s what they did. Using the trash can as a fulcrum, they found random items around and catapulted them around.

After a while, Ken suggested seeing how Alex was doing now, even though only about a couple of minutes had passed. He headed towards Alex’s house along with Jess and Chris, where they saw Alex standing by his car again, not noticing them watching him from across the street. The driver’s door was open.

Back at the catapult, Katrina found a really big white rock and set it on the catapult, wondering if it could send something that big and heavy flying. It was about the size of a football. So Jason, Adam, and Kathleen all stomped on the other end of the plank, and that sent the rock into orbit! Or so it looked like.

Alex glanced up at the sky, seeing a white object hurtling through the air. Curious, he stared up at it, unconsciously moving himself into its path, probably hoping to catch it even though he wasn’t holding his arms up or anything. Finally, it came down and SMACK!!!!

Alex staggered, blood gushing from his mutilated and now concave forehead. He fell into his car and, with what little bit of strength or whatever he had left, he sat up and shut the door. Then he fell over onto the steering wheel, dead.

Ken, Jess, and Chris had emitted horrified gasps, and the other four ran over to investigate.

“Shit, let’s get out of here!” Kathleen said, and the seven all ran off.

Around sunrise the next morning, they returned to the area, wondering what happened to Alex.

“Eww!” Ken shrieked at the site of the very blue-grey, stiff Alex.

“Rigor mortis,” Jason noted.

“Oh, man,” Katrina remarked, grimacing. “Gross. His eyes and mouth are all wide open. His arms are all contracted and weird. And- AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!” She shrieked and jumped behind Jess.

“Well,” Jason said. “I suppose that’s a post-mortem reaction as well.”

“Yeah, Katrina,” Chris said. “Grow up.”

“My eyes have been soiled!” Katrina whined, and Ken chuckled as he got the Simpsons reference. “And, Adam, what’s wrong with you? Stop staring at it.”

“Am not!” Adam protested. “I’m interested in medicine so I find this fascinating.”

“Well, um, you think we should get our stories straight?” Kathleen suggested.

“Of course, of course,” Ken replied. “What do we say to the cops?”

Jess made a sad glance at Alex. “Perhaps a moment of silence for our dead executive director?” she mentioned.

Everyone else nodded, so they remained silent for a bit in his honor.

So, in conclusion, who killed Alex? They all did. And Alex killed himself since he somewhat deliberately stood in the path of the rock. All of the above. The giant dancing banana may or may not have been present. No one can agree for sure on that.

Funeral services were held for Alex Koroknay-Palicz shortly afterward, but no one seemed all that sad. They mostly said he used to be cool but these days was a total loser.

Oh, and later that same day, Katrina was indicted for beating Victor Herminio and Chris Batchelor to bloody pulps for slanderous rape comments and photo doctoring, and they both died shortly thereafter, but her charges were dropped on the account that, well, they deserved it.

THE END

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