Parenting has come up in the NYRA forums, as it inevitably will.

Backstory:
Someone questioned whether its an acceptable parental tactic to publically humiliate one’s daughter by forcing her to stand on the side of the road holding a cardboard sign that reads, “I don’t do my homework and I act up in school, so my parents are preparing me for my future. Will work for food.” Said person went further to question whether the parents have the right to do such a thing. Another poster believes that while the parent may have been a bit harsh, its definitely within the realm of their ‘parental rights’, and asked the question: What should I do when my children do wrong?

My response:
To answer your question about what you should do. First you need to drop the idea that the parent has all the answers. If the parents were perfect and never made mistakes and could see any and all future consequences both positive and negative to every action and weigh them with real wisdom and dispatch perfect advice, then I’d like to know what planet they are from.

Do kids make mistakes? Yes. Do parents/adults make mistakes? Yes. Would we all prefer that no one, of any age, ever make mistakes and have perfect, blissful lives? Perhaps. But the fact remains, that no matter who we are, or what age we are, we are imperfect beings and we make mistakes. The real question to ask is how can we minimize mistakes for those we care about. That’s a tough question.

When asking that question I urge you to consider another dimension that concerns us as youth rights activists. If you really cared about someone who was your peer, how would you help them through whatever tough situation they are in? 2-3 years ago my housemate here had a drinking problem. He’d come home from work every single night with a bottle of hard liquor, and every single night he’d sit in his room and drink it till he passed out for the night. He was never abusive to me and his problem never affected me at all, but is this healthy behavior? No. So what do I, as his peer (though 20 years his junior) do about it? Should I take away his booze, yell at him, lock him in his room? Should I make him stand out on the corner with a sign saying “I’m a drunk, I need to turn my life around.”? Or make him go to work wearing a shirt saying “I’m a drunk.”? No, I shouldn’t.

Perhaps a housemate is a bad example, but what if this person who had such damaging behavior was a spouse that I loved and cared for? What do I do then? Do I make her stand out on the street with a sign? Do I make her do anything? No. I can’t make her do anything. Despite how much I care for her and want her to improve her life, I can’t force her to do anything against her will. I have to respect her as my equal and whatever happens between us has to be discussed and not forced. Relationships between equals exist on the basis of consent.

Why does this change with the parent-child relationship? It changes because society (and perhaps some people here in fact) do not regard youth to be the equals of adults or parents. But why should it change? Why is it acceptable to force a child to do something humiliating “for their own good”? Is it because you know more than them? What if you know more than a spouse or housemate? Is it because you care about them? You don’t care about your spouse or parent? Is it because they live under your roof and you pay the bills? What about a stay-at-home spouse or an elderly parent?

The truth is there is no objective reason why you can force your kid to do something against their will and not someone your own age and status level. The only reason you are allowed to do that is you are the parent (read: owner) and it is your child (read: property) and are entitled to do with it as you will. It is precisely this arbitrary hierarchy that we fight.

So while I didn’t answer your question about what to do, I can tell you what NOT to do. Don’t force your kid into anything. Yes I know this is an extremist statement, but I mean it. Adding qualifiers in the case of like toddlers or if your kid is about to walk into oncoming traffic or perhaps other very limited circumstances, but in general just don’t do it. Remove coercion from the relationship altogether.

Not only is it the morally right thing to do, but I’d argue it is the best for your kid. If you try to fix every problem your kid ever has, then they’ll never learn to fix their own problems. Once you are no longer hovering over their shoulder they’ll be totally screwed. So yes, don’t force your children to do anything. Anything. They’ll be better for it.

Does that mean you shouldn’t give a damn what your kids do with their lives? That you should leave them to the wolves? No. If you equate love with coercion then that’s such a twisted perversion I don’t have the patience to address it. Love and care for them as you would a spouse (of course don’t ‘love’ them exactly like you would a spouse, that’s a whole other twisted perversion (and related to equating love & force)).

Why is sex a beautiful expression of love and rape a barbarian criminal act? Force.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 22nd, 2005 at 1:33 am and is filed under Youth Rights. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.